Braxton's Sports Blog About Sports

May 23, 2013

Golf Feuds and the U.S. Naval Academy

Today I’m going to attempt to answer the age old question: “If there’s some drama in professional golf, but no one cares, does it actually exist?” When I was asked to write about the golf drama between Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia, I was all

And then I was all

So, let’s talk about this. Sergio Garcia was being a big asshole and told everyone how we was going to win the Players Championship, and then didn’t. Okay, first off, don’t be a dick. I don’t care who you are, if you tell everyone that you’re going to win something, you’re the LAST person we want to root for. Anyway, when he was interviewed about Tiger Woods recently, Garcia said:

He called me a whiner. He’s probably right. But that’s also probably the first thing he’s told you guys that’s true in 15 years. I know what he’s like. You guys are finding out.

This is what the self-aware whiner look like:

He then went off about how he doesn’t need to call Tiger Woods to clear the air and doesn’t need him in his life to be happy, blah blah blah. At this point, he sounds a lot like a teenage girl. He probably didn’t invite Tiger Woods to his birthday party this year either, which is SO RUDE OMG THERESA!

THEN, on Tuesday, Garcia was asked if he would have Tiger Woods to dinner one night, TO WHICH HE RESPONDED:

We will have him ’round every night. We will serve fried chicken.

Okay…whoa. If he were to say that to me, I would be like “What time?” But, he was clearly making a racist statement toward Tiger Woods. I’m not one to defend Tiger Woods, but that’s fucked. Garcia later apologized and called it a “silly remark” and that it wasn’t meant to come off in a “racist manner”.

Tiger Woods tweeted: The comment that was made wasn’t silly. It was wrong, hurtful and clearly inappropriate… I’m confident that there is real regret that the remark was made. The Players ended nearly two weeks ago and it’s long past time to move on and talk about golf.

Sergio has since apologized again, but now I’m actually tempted to watch golf just to see the junior high death stares that they are bound to give each other. WHO KNEW GOLF COULD BE SO DRAMATIC! It’s like the Real Housewives of Atlanta, but with plaid pants and no booze.

Okay, moving on. Have you guys HEARD of The Herndon Climb?? Hold onto your panties, because they’re about to be blown clean off.

The Herndon Monument climb is the traditional culmination of plebe year at the U.S. Naval Academy. They grease up the Herndon Monument and the plebes climb to the top of the 21 foot high, lard covered statue and remove a hat at the top. They have to replace it with an upperclassman’s hat, for a reason that I neither know, nor care about. At this point, it sounds disgusting, but keep with me. I’ll show you pictures, but first, imagine the men of the U.S. Naval Academy, climbing up a greased monument, with their shirts off. There are also some women, but they are in one piece swimsuits…BORING!

I have no idea why they do this, or who the gay man was who invented it, but thank you. Thank you, thank you! It’s like rock climbing, only you’re no longer a virgin afterwards. I’m also not sure why they removed their shirts…wouldn’t that give you MORE traction to climb a tower of grease? Whatever, I’m not complaining. Maybe they use their boners as little steps? Too far?

*Note: I don’t own the pictures of the Herndon Climb, but I am ever so appreciative that they exist.

May 6, 2013

Don’t Fuck with Brittney Griner

Somehow I’ve been writing this blog for over a year now, and I haven’t written about the WNBA. So, to all of you WNBA fan out there — this one is for you!

I’ve actually been to a couple of WNBA games (Seattle Storm, HOLLER!) and, while I spend 30% of the game taking shots in the bathroom and about 60% of the game making friends with the closest lesbians (usually within an arm’s length), they are pretty fun! I almost never know who wins, which doesn’t really matter as it’s usually the Storm. And, Sue Bird is legitimately attractive and a total bad ass.

The real reason I am writing this post is because of one Miss Brittney Griner. For those of you who don’t know, Brittney Griner is an amazing college basketball player at Baylor University, who was the first overall pick by the Phoenix Mercury in this year’s WNBA draft (huh, just learned that other sports have “drafts”). She has also won the Naismith Trophy as the outstanding women’s basketball player in 2012 and 2013. She could very well go on to be one of the best players in WNBA history. As it turns out, she’s also a lesbian. This is her:

I find it interesting that we have spent (and are continuing to spend) a lot of time discussing Jason Collins coming out, yet we hardly spend any time discussing one of the most promising new athletes in professional sports. In fact, Brittney Griner also wrote up a great piece in The New York Times yesterday discussing her personal coming out story and how it influences her life (and sports career) today. In the article, Griner discusses how she was “thrilled” when Jason Collins came out and views it as a great influence for loving and accepting each other for who we are. She then goes on to write about her experiences with bullying and coming out at a young age (9th grade). It’s a great article that I encourage you all to take a look at! Also, I applaud her for coming out in 9th grade! By that age I was still convincing myself that I like-liked girls, yet also listened to Britney Spears on repeat. It’s just a phase they said…I will like vaginas they said…

For me, personally, I’m left wondering why a male basketball player gets his face on the cover of a magazine and seemingly endless attention from the media, all because he came out — yet, we don’t ever see these stories of women coming out in the sport’s world. It’s almost like it’s a given in professional sports that the majority of women are lesbians and gay men simply don’t play sports. So, when a stereotype is flipped on its head, we’re like “WHOA, WHAT! Did you guys hear that not everything is the same all the time?”

Yet, we really should be talking about the entire spectrum here. While there are more “out” lesbians in the WNBA, the majority are still straight women. I think it’s important for everyone to share their stories, because every person’s life and experiences are different and the more we hear and read about how people are DIFFERENT, the more we can learn to accept and grow. Not all lesbians are the same, just as not all gay men are the same (I can’t even say that all gay men have a deep love for body glitter which is absolutely INSANE). Let’s start TALKING about how we can make our world (even if we are focusing on the sports world) a better place. A place where a girl who is a great athlete isn’t called a “man” or has to prove that she’s a girl by showing her vagina. A place where a gay male athlete can come out and be himself without having to wait 34 years. Or, hopefully, just a place where being gay doesn’t define you — it’s simply a part of what makes you beautiful.

Anyway, cheers to both Brittney Griner and Jason Collins for being themselves and showing young people that, no matter your sexual orientation, you can grow up to kick major ass! Also, what kind of team name is Phoenix Mercury? Is that a type of car?

2 comments

May 2, 2013

Taking a hard look at the NFL Draft

It’s that time of year again! It’s May! Oh, and the NFL Draft happened. It seems like only yesterday that Beyonce played the halftime show at the Super Bowl, and now we’re already working on the next season! What is this, America’s Next Top Model, Cycle NEVER ENDING?

So before all of you football fans slink back to your offseason boredom (read: beer drinking), let’s evaluate the draft picks together — seriously, I’m gonna need some help. Warning, this post is about to be all over the place. I should have titled it “The guy at the party who won’t stop talking and always seems to find you.”

The first, and only, quarterback drafted in the first round was some hottie named EJ Manuel. He was drafted to the Buffalo Bills, which is possibly the most annoying team name I’ve run across so far (Okay, maybe the Texas Texans), from Florida State. The jury is out on EJ Manuel as to how he will perform in the NFL, but I give him an A+ because

The final first round pick was defensive back Matt Elam to the Baltimore Ravens. I was just looking up information on this guy, and apparently his two younger siblings were shot and killed a few years back at the same public park in Florida. I hope this guy does really well, because he fucking deserves it. Also, I would say that I will never set foot in a Florida public park, but I’m not in the market for heroin, which deems a Florida park visit unnecessary. Here’s a picture of Matt Elam, whose chin-strap beard makes me nervous and itchy:

That was insensitive. The chin-strap beard probably protects him from incoming balls to the face, and I applaud his dedication to facial safety.

The Dallas Cowboys made a surprising pick (apparently, I don’t know) and chose the lust of every hipster girl, ever, Travis Frederick. I can’t even with this guy:

Why he isn’t the star of Duck Dynasty or hanging out with a big blue ox, I’ll never know. Look at those thighs! If I was on bath salts I would totally throw that thing on a bbq and eat for weeks.

The Minnesota Vikings drafted wide receiver Cordarrelle Patterson, who may or may not be Medusa.

The Vikings also drafted Xavier Rhodes who, according to the following picture, is my new boyfriend.

Let’s see, who else? The Indianapolis Colts selected Florida State defensive end (Jesus, so many Florida players…) Bjoern Werner. Fun fact about Bjoern: When picking out a baby name, his mother simply slammed her head into the keyboard!

The Bengals, who I just now learned was a team, drafted Tyler Eifert, whose last name sounds a lot like a sneeze. He’s a tight end from Notre Dame and is super awesome at it. I’m guessing he does more kegels than the others? Football is weird you guys…

The Titans got Justin Hunter, who, okay I’m just going to show you a picture:

What have I learned from this year’s draft?

A. There are so many names and teams and I don’t know how you people do it! There are jobs where people analyze draft picks and I honestly don’t understand how it’s even possible. Just reading a few articles about the draft makes me want to go to a public park in Florida.

B. Almost every player that I’ve seen looks great in spandex.

Who did I miss, straight guys? Anyone I need to Google image search? For now, that’s all I’ve got about football until the regular season starts. What else do you want me to write about? Let me know on Twitter or in the comments below!

April 30, 2013

Happy 1 Year Anniversary to Braxton’s Sports Blog About Sports!

Is March Madness over yet?

Welcome to another round of sports updates from yours truly! And, can you believe it? Braxton’s Sports Blog About Sports is officially 1 year old today! Although, I have to say, I am a little disappointed that it wasn’t nominated for a Tony Award this morning. I mean, how many dick jokes did Matilda make? ONE.

Moby WHAT?

I’m overwhelmed with all of the latest sports news (March Madness ended, NFL Draft happened, Jason Collins came out, Seattle Mariners are terrible, Seattle SuperSonics are not a thing), so let’s just start at March Madness and work our way forward.

March Madness! God…I know I am so incredibly late on this AND most of you have finally gotten over the sting of this year’s bracket, but let’s refresh the ol’ memory. As mentioned in my previous post, I signed up for my office bracket contest/pool/game to make things just a little more interesting for myself. I chose Ohio State to win the whole thing, and it just about gave me a heart attack. First off, I led you astray. You shouldn’t research the teams in the bracket. In fact, you don’t need to know anything about the teams because apparently that doesn’t matter. You know what would be a more effective method of picking the winning teams? Grab the closest blind person, have them point at the winning teams, and write those down. HOW EASY IS THAT?

I told you all that I researched the teams, and, alas, I totally sucked. Harvard? REALLY? HER? Georgetown? I’ll KILL YOU, GEORGETOWN! Ohio State, you can’t just win a game in the last 3 seconds EVERY time. That’s not how basketball works. Needless to say, I was not pleased. The only thing that seemed to go as planned was Louisville winning the whole thing, so…congratu-fuckin-lations to the winners.

Also, we don’t need to talk about Kevin Ware’s broken leg because

GOOD GOD I WAS STARING RIGHT AT THE SCREEN

Moving on. How about those Seattle Mariners?

Good news: The Mariners beat the Baltimore Orioles last night, 6-2. Bad news: It was in front of the smallest crowd in Safeco Field history — 9,818. Good news: It was their 3rd win in a row! Bad news: That’s their longest winning streak of the season. To be fair, the season has been roughly a month so far, so there’s still time for them to not be terrible. You know what might help? Maybe if these Seattle super fans actually attended the games. Seattle’s relationship with sports reminds me a lot of that single girl we all know who only talks about how she wants a boyfriend. She is so SINGLE and needs a BOYFRIEND and is an OLD LADY, but then never goes on any dates. Someone please go on a date with the Mariners for the love of GOD, if only to shut her up.

Speaking of Seattle sports…another low blow right to the blue, rain-soaked nuts. After months of teasing, it has been decided that the Sacramento Kings will remain in Sacramento.

As it turns out, Seattle was so sad about the Kings news that they completely forgot that the Mariners were playing. Basically, the Kings have a great fanbase, but are terrible (sound familiar?). So, now the pressure is on for the Kings to start winning some games or they will be at risk to lose the team again in the near future. For now, they stay put. I guess it’s time for us Seattleites to renew those Seattle Storm season tickets.

Try not having a nightmare after encountering this creature after a whiskey or eight.

Try not having a nightmare when you encounter this creature after a whiskey or eight.

Last, but certainly not least, we all heard about Jason Collins being the first openly out and proud gay man in American sports who is still actively playing in a professional league. Collins wrote a very moving piece declaring himself as gay in Sports Illustrated that I highly recommend to everyone. It is extremely brave to a gay male athlete to come out, especially in a sports world that isn’t always accepting of gay men. It is also a great time for Collins to write this article, as the people of our country (and our world) are changing their views on homosexuality for the better. We’re finding more compassion, more understanding, and more acceptance for homosexuality in sports, churches, organizations, etc…It’s truly an exciting time to be gay. While we still have a long way to go, it’s amazing to see the progress in real time.

We’re here. We’re queer. Get ME TOM DALEY.

I mean…GET USED TO IT!

UP NEXT: Evaluating the NFL draft with only the most professional of opinions. STAY TUNED!

March 20, 2013

STOP THE MADNESS!

Just in case you haven’t heard from your boyfriend, coworker, bus driver, butcher, pet store owner and everyone in between — it’s March Madness and your god damn brackets need to be submitted by Thursday!!

This year I had zero intention of filling out a bracket, but someone was like “You should do it!” and I was like “Okay!” and then she probably thought “Oh shit I was just inviting him to be nice” and I was like “FRIEND!!!” For anyone who knows me, this is pretty spot on when it comes to my character:

A. Susceptible to peer pressure.
B. Extremely competitive.
C. Not afraid to gamble.

It’s actually a medical mystery why I’m still alive (spell check just corrected “alive” to “Alice” four times. WHO AM I!?).

But, I digress. Filling out a bracket is really hard you guys. This is NOTHING like the Oscars (oh, did I mention I won my Oscar pool?). First off, the last time I watched a college basketball game was last year for March Madness. Secondly, this activity involves some actual knowledge of how well these teams perform, who they’ve played, who they’ve beat, where the game is located, etc…So, before I started filling out my bracket, I decided to do some research:

*TRUE STORY ALERT*

I was sitting on the warm bus, reading articles about March Madness and all of a sudden I was awoken by my phone CRASHING to the floor. I had actually fallen asleep while reading basketball stats. I wish I was kidding. To make matters worse, it had fallen underneath another seat and so I had to like get on the ground to look for it. Humiliating.

So, research was not going well. My next tactic was to talk to coworkers about it because they actually care. Uh, guys, they all have different opinions. It’s not like I can trust them either. They’re all vying for the cash prize of…wait. How much do I win if I get them right? Do I even win any money? Oh my GOD is it a vacation!?!? DO I WIN A VACATION!? THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!

Also, did you know that people fill out multiple brackets? Like, one of the brackets will be the one they go with, but they fill out other brackets to “compare” them? Or one of them is the “rational” bracket and the other is the “ideal” bracket. And you just KNOW if ONE of those multiple brackets is correct, he or she will be all “Hey, one of my brackets was right!” Uh, fuck off. No it wasn’t. This isn’t how guessing works. By a simple raise of hands, how many of you March Madness psychos is guilty of this?

My next plan of attack was to just choose by mascot creepiness:

*WARNING: NIGHTMARES ARE IMMINENT*

Dear God I’m so sorry. I have no idea what most of those are supposed to resemble. A log? A zit? A blue testicle? It is now clear to me that choosing a team based on mascot creepiness is like choosing your favorite serial killer. Immoral, wrong and Ted Bundy. I don’t even want to know how many cat heads, jars of mayonnaise, or strands of women’s hair are hidden inside each of those mascot costumes.

I have no emotional connection to any of the teams, so I can’t choose based on my heart and copying some expert seems like cheating. All I know is that I’m not rooting for Duke because I’m morally opposed to teams named after feces. I’m also not rooting for North Carolina because I don’t know what a Tar Heel is, but I absolutely hate it.

Do you have any advice for me? You have two days to tell me!! Oh my god I hope I win the vacation of a lifetime!!!!!!

2 comments

March 14, 2013

Another round of sports updates because you’re worth it

God, it has once again been a minute since I’ve written here. In my defense, I’ve been super busy staring out of my window at rain and a gray sky, while drinking mugs and mugs of wine. Okay, whiskey. Okay, both.

But, I will be silent NO LONGER! There are lots of sports in the news and I want to talk about them. Mostly the ridiculous things…shall we begin with the ever-ridiculous Dennis Rodman?

Sweet, simple Dennis Rodman is a world traveler these days! In case you don’t know who this is (can you read?), Dennis Rodman used to play for the Chicago Bulls, which, as previously mentioned, was my favorite team in the entire universe from grades 2 through 5 and is still, to this day, probably the straightest thing I’ve ever enjoyed. Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippin, Dennis Rodman were like the trifecta of awesome back in my “You’re a girl!!!!!” days. “No you guys! I like the Chicago Bulls!! I’M A BOY!”

Gays, I will compare them to *N Sync, so that you can understand. Michael Jordan was like Justin Timberlake, Scottie Pippin was like JC Chasez and Dennis Rodman was like Chris What’sHisNameWithTheChinHair. Rodman contributed to the group, but we’re all still trying to figure out how.

This picture still gets me all sorts of hot and bothered.

ANYWAY. Dennis Rodman recently made headlines for the first time since he dressed up in a wedding dress to promote his autobiography. Note: If you have read this piece of literature, please marry me. He made a little trip to the country that probably hates America the most: North Korea. Not only did he visit that country, but he also spent time with Kim Jong Un. That’s the leader of North Korea. To be fair, Kim Jong Un probably thought he was Snoop Dogg or Chris Rock and Rodman just didn’t disagree. I really wish I could be a fly on the wall for that conversation.

Kim Jong Un: America 손바닥으로 하늘을 가리려한다 die 열린대문과냉면한그릇. 이화여자대학교출판부 nukes 논리와사고(증보개정판). 이화여자대학교출판부 Dogg.

Dennis Rodman: I loved you in Rush Hour!

What I’m saying is that Dennis Rodman probably agreed that North Korea should drop a nuke on us, while thinking he was meeting Jackie Chan. Apparently Rodman is doing a world tour as part of a diplomatic mission of peace through basketball…which, is adorable. More power to you if you can create world peace through basketball and being mildly famous in the 90s.

After this little adventure, he decided to head over to the Vatican to meet the new pope (or, at least his people are working on it). Which is fair — him and the pope can exchange notes on wearing white dresses. PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR THE GAYS, RODMAN!

Speaking of the NBA, have you SEEN that they are testing out some new ~~bicycling~~ ~~circus bear~~ basketball uniforms on the Golden State Warriors? They are a mixture of really tight t-shirts that resemble something you would see at a gay bar, and huge parachute shorts. Take a look:

If one of those players jumped off of a building, they would land safely on the ground AND get a date with the closest gay man.

Next, Turkish oil wrestling is a thing. Let me explain the rules:

1. Go out into an open field with a bunch of other men (Sweet! Flag football? Soccer?).

2. Take your shirts off, and put on some leather pants (Hmm…that’s odd. But, okay).

3. Cover each other in olive oil (IT’S GREAT FOR YOUR SKIN!!).

~~4. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.~~

4. Start wrestling (Gross, can you even imagine all of that dead grass getting stuck to your oiled body? I’m literally scratching myself while I type this).

5. To win, ~~fist him~~ get your entire arm down the pants of your opponent (Is that where the ball is?).

6. Make it appear totally not gay, even though you’ll be the envy of gay men all around the world (…did we just have sex? Am I pregnant? CALL ME!!).

Gays, I’ll give you a minute to have a cool down. You too, ladies.

March Madness begins on March 19th, so get your ballots in or whatever. I’ll be watching from a beach in Florida! (Will I?) Funny story, last time I watched March Madness from a beach, I won $100 from my uncle because I bet on the opposite team. It’s really a flawless system.

Baseball is also starting soon, which is great because I’ve been having a hard time sleeping lately.

Do you have any topics you want me to cover? Seriously guys, I need your ideas because you.complete.me. Send them over to me on Twitter or in the comments below!

1 comment

February 13, 2013

Accepting Gays, Makin’ Plays

That was by far and away the worst title I could come up with and I don’t even care. I’m leaving it.

The winds of change are blowing in professional sports (and no, that’s not just the air gushing out of Chris Brown’s gaping butthole this Valentine’s season). Actually, it’s more of a soft breeze. Like, a fart that makes more of a *pop* noise than a *pffffrrrrrt* noise. You can sorta smell it, and it’s definitely there, but very few people on the bus notice. Like, not enough of a wind to blow Donald Trump’s toupee off, but enough of a breeze to make him look like a blow dried cat.

ANYWAY. I’ve read several articles lately about professional athletes taking a stance against homophobia. Which is fucking awesome, because sports in general get a bad rap for not being accepting of the gays (well, probably not gymnastics or ice skating). Take for example, uh, my last two blog posts about the 49ers. Or, the fact that people who played sports called me a “fag” on a weekly basis throughout my grade school years.

At long last, it looks like athletes are (maybe?) slowly catching up with the rest of the country (which, a lot of people still can’t grasp because JESUS and THE TRADITIONAL FAMILY or BAKED BEANS AND HAM!! or something) and are finding some bit of respect and acceptance for the LGBT community.

In fact, Kenneth Faried (pictured above with his moms), a Denver Nuggets (that’s basketball) star has become the first NBA player to join Athlete Ally, an organization devoted to fighting homophobia in sports. How great is that? If an athlete whose actual nickname is “Manimal” can commit to showing acceptance toward other gay athletes, why can’t they all!? Just think, if you can get the gays to start paying more attention to professional sports, the attendance will be even HIGHER!! Have you seen us at a parade? It’s frightening. Not to mention, the appetizers at your sports-watching gathering will be absolutely fabulous.

Other professional athletes that have joined Athlete Ally are Brendon Ayanbadejo of the Baltimore Ravens, Scott Fujita of the Cleveland Browns, Chris Kluwe of the Minnesota Vikings, and Connor Barwin of the Houston Texans (Really? You can just name teams by using City State(an)? Sheesh. Maybe the gays can also come up with better team names. I’m thinking… Houston Balsamic Glazed Salmons).

Kobe Bryant also made the news recently because he was actually DEFENDING the gays, not being fined by the NBA for using “gay” as an insult. In fact, one of his Twitter followers used the term “your gay”

as an insult to another fan. Kobe Bryant responded:

Good job, Kobe! I really want to dislike you because I thought you were a rapist, but this is pretty cool. I guess that fine of $100,000 didn’t go to waste! See what standing up for the gays can do for your athletic career? I actually thought Kobe was a total douche-muncher and I would never again root for the Lakers, but now I’ll maybe reconsider (that is if I decide to watch NBA basketball this season…). I can’t quite say the same thing for Lebron James (you’re still a douche-muncher, and I hope you choke on it).

If you’re an athlete of any kind, you should go sign the Ally Pledge on their website. Take a stand for what’s right, and maybe, just maybe, gay kids can start to feel comfortable enough to be active in school sports and not fear the locker rooms.

1 comment

February 6, 2013

A Procrastinator’s Super Bowl Recap

Yeah yeah, I realize that the Super Bowl was two whole days ago and you spent all day yesterday reading about it and re-watching the commercials and Beyonce’s halftime show (at least 5 times, am I right?) while at work. Well, my plan was to totally post something yesterday but I had concert tickets to Ellie Goulding’s show, so you will have to just grin and bare it (if John Travolta can do it while having sex with women, so can you).

My previous post focused on how douchey the 49ers have been lately, so I decided to root for the Ravens, even if I did have to ask where Baltimore was located (it’s in Maryland, for the record). Now, if your party was anything like the one I attended, you had to take a shot every time the opposing team scored. And boy it was sweet, sweet victory watching 49ers fans take shot after shot.

I’m getting ahead of myself, let’s talk about the beginning of the game:

The lovely and talented Jennifer Hudson (J’HUD if you’re nasty) performed America the Beautiful with the choir from Sandy Hooks Elementary School. It was very touching, and J’HUD made like John Goodman at a buffet, and destroyed it.

Next up was Alicia (the other Girl on Fire) Keys performing the National Anthem. Unlike last year, where Christina Aguilera flubbed the lyrics in front of the largest television audience of the year, Keys got all of the words right. She scream-singed the words while sitting at a piano, dressed in something that resembled sausage casing. I wanted to cut that dress off of her and make biscuits and gravy, but I digress. She did an Alicia Keys job at the song, and that’s exactly what everyone was expecting.

Part Italian Sausage/Part Beta Fish

GAME TIME!

The first half of the game can best be described as a Wile E. Coyote/Road Runner type of situation, where the Ravens were the Road Runner and the 49ers were Wylie, but if Wile E. had just woken up from a nap. All that was missing were sticks of Acme dynamite. It was…pathetic. Ravens got a couple of touchdowns, my 49ers friends were drunk, and I was eating 14 pounds of Velveeta. Oh, did I mention I couldn’t drink (alcohol) heavily due to a cold that has lasted what feels like one hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes?

While I didn’t watch many of the commercials, I did see two absolutely amazing, panty soaking commercials that made it all just so worth it:

FAST & FURIOUS 6: The Return of Michelle Rodriguez

Calvin Klein appeals to the gays waiting for the Beyonce concert.

About 10 minutes before halftime, I made my way downstairs to a tv where I could hear/see every second of the halftime show, and have a cool down after that Calvin Klein commercial. And then, glory happened.

BEYONCE

To say that I have been excited about this since it was first announced that she would be performing the halftime show, is a disgusting understatement. Like, one of my friends was talking while she was performing and I yelled “I WILL END YOUR LIFE”. I was willing to go to prison, just so I could watch 12 minutes of Beyonce. Guys, I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on tv, but that’s not healthy.

That being said, she was fabulous. Her hair…was fine. Here are some key moments:

That’s just Beyonce, with a giant flame Beyonce behind her.

Thank God that weave was fireproof, gurl.

The best Beyonce backup dancers, are just more Beyonces.

Kelly Rowland nailed it.

Michelle Williams was so close.

Destiny’s Child doing the Single Ladies dance is probably the best thing I will see all year.

I was literally twitterpated. Like, look at me:

Even my Velveeta/cream cheese/bacon chins were watching.

The game resumed for a little bit, and then the power went out at the Super Dome. Now, at this point the Ravens were ahead by a significant amount, I was uncomfortably full and sober, and the highlight of the game (Queen Bey) was over. So, what did I do while the lights were out at the stadium? I ATE MORE.

During this blackout, the commentators ran out of things to say about the game, so they started recapping the POWER OUTAGE. Much like the smell of a shower fart, it seemed like it was lasting forever. When the game came back on, we were all tired and cranky. However, this did not seem the case for the 49ers. Immediately, they scored a touchdown. And then another touchdown. WHAT THE HELL RAVENS!?!? Oh what sweet, sweet revenge for the 49ers fans that I had been heckling all evening.

Can we talk about the 49ers coach for a minute? WHAT A PSYCHOPATH!

Now, I don’t know a whole lot about football gestures, but I’m pretty sure the coach was repeatedly telling the players to fist each other. I get that people have their thing, but c’mon guy. Culliver isn’t into that sweet stuff. That being said, Captain Fisty was one of the most entertaining parts of the game, post-Beyonce.

Can you say “DRAMA FISTING QUEEN”?

The 4th quarter went by in what seemed like 8 seconds, and I was having a legitimate heart attack. What started as a dull, embarrassing game, turned into a white knuckle thriller (okay, not really. But it was still kinda close? I don’t watch a lot of football BELIEVE IT RIPLEY!). Luckily, the Ravens pulled off a win, 34-31. Congratulations Ravens, see you next season!!

Luckily for me AND you, I don’t have to write more about football for a while (trust me, I’m running out of things to say). I’ll keep my eye on the news, as I expect someone will say or do something stupid. And, as for the 49ers, just keep ~~fisting~~ practicing. You’ll be elbow deep in trophies soon enough!

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January 31, 2013

Former 49ers Player Battles Sodium, Underwear Thieves and Ex-Boyfriends

First things first: This SUNDAY is the ~~football-themed Beyonce concert~~ Super Bowl. The Seahawks aren’t in it, but I GUESS I’ll eat 8,000 different cream cheese-based dips while I’m semi-watching in between heartburn pains. I’ll do my best to write up a really awesome and totally relevant recap. OH, duh. I forgot to mention, because you probably don’t know this already, that it’s the San Francisco 49ers (DOUCHEBAGS!!!!) vs. the Baltimore Ravens (who?).

But, the real reason I brought you here today is to talk about the San Francisco 49ers. They have been in the big ol’ gay LIBERAL MEDIA gotcha news a lot lately, mostly because their teammates are being giant buttholes. There are two stories to cover, so I’ll start with the crazy and move on to the offensive.

FIRST UP! Mr. Kwame Harris. Harris is a former offensive tackle for the 49ers and the Raiders, and lo and behold, He’s GAY! I can probably count the number of gay football players on one hand, and probably can’t hold one’s genitals without the use of 3 or more hands. Now, Harris has never publicly come out of the closet. He (allegedly) wanted to retire from the manly sport of football and spend the rest of his life on the quaint countryside of Malibu, footing human balls.

His plan failed, now that Harris faces criminal charges for assaulting his ex-boyfriend. You guys, it’s about to get SO GOOD. Now, my boyfriend and I have gotten in our fair share of arguments. But, we’ve never quite reached this level (NEVER SAY NEVER!). I’ll ask you the same thing Chris Brown asks his fist before he goes out in public: Are you ready for some action?

Apparently, Kwame Harris and his ex-boyfriend, Dimitri Geier got into a fight because Dimitri put SOY SAUCE on Kwame’s RICE!!!

First of all, sodium makes you bloat and you KNOW gurlfran had plans that NIGHT you BITCH!! You’re gonna make him all bloated and thirsty, like you don’t even care. Second of all, was that a Hitler gif?

THEN, oh my god, THEN you know what happened? They took the scuffle outside, where Harris tried to RIP Geier’s pants off of him to recover underwear that he had stolen. If this was some sort of like fantasy voyerism thing, I would totally get it. “Oh you BITCH I’m gonna rip them pants right off of you. Oh, are people watching? Uh oh…someone’s got my underwear on. I’m gonna have to take those back because I ran out of Tide this week.” However, Harris was legitimately pissed and pushed Geier and tried to rip off his pants to recover his stolen underwear. The panty stealer then swung his fist at Harris, hitting him in the head. Then, Harris punched Geier in the face and Geier had to get surgery to repair his face. All of this over a pair of briefs and a little soy sauce.

In his defense, these cute little briefs that gay men (and probably straight men, but none that I’ve seen) wear are NOT cheap. They usually run between $15-$45 for a single pair of underwear. I mean, I own like 20 pairs, but that is a collection that has been growing slowly for years. This is him, for the record:

Anyway, I feel bad for the guy because, while he may have smashed his ex-boyfriend’s face in, he was forced to come out in front of the world because of a criminal charge. I will look forward to watching the court case come April.

In other 49er news, we have a BIGOT on our hands!! Chris Culliver, the the team’s current nickel cornerback, was on a radio show and was asked about gay football players. The in-house genius stated:

“I don’t do the gay guys, man. I don’t do that. No, we don’t got no gay people on the team, they gotta get up out of here if they do. Can’t be with that sweet stuff. Nah…can’t be…in the locker room man. Nah.”

The 49ers immediately went on the defense and stated that they do not endorse the barely-English comments that Culliver stated. Culliver himself also made an apology:

“The derogatory comments I made yesterday were a reflection of thoughts in my head, but they are not how I feel.”

You’re right, you can THINK that you can’t be around gays, especially in the locker room but that’s not how…you…feel..? WHAT IS HAPPENING!? This is him, for the record:

Maybe he’s just worried that he’ll get punched in the face after being caught stealing little cutie briefs from closeted 49ers? Yeah, that has to be it..?

After all this has happened, I’ll be rooting for the Ravens in the Super Bowl because linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo has publicly stated his support for gay marriage, and is clearly not afraid of gay men converting him to fashion jocks in the locker rooms. I also decided I was rooting for the 49ers last week and like 4 people yelled at me because “THEY’RE IN OUR DIVISION!!!!!!!!!!” Whatever that means.

Last question, am I being Punk’d? I don’t think any of these football player names are real.

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January 18, 2013

The Life and Lies of Manti Te’o

Holy crap you guys, yesterday I didn’t even mention the biggest piece of sports gossip since Lance Armstrong “doped” during the Tour de France. Oh, that was like 4 days ago? Cool story, bro. Can we talk for a second? Doesn’t “doping” make your penis like, super small? So essentially Lance Armstrong is cycling around with one testicle and something that resembles a button that you press to start a hot tub? IS IT WORTH IT? Is DOPE worth it? DIDN’T THINK SO!

Back to the topic at hand: Manti Te’o. To be fair, I haven’t heard of this guy since um, 10 hours ago, but WHOA! Wait. Until. You hear this!! Oh my god you guys. Okay, summary:

Manti Te’o is a football player for Notre Dame. Actually, a really good football player (he catches the ball, or makes touchdowns, or something?). He is a Mormon, which leads me to believe he wanted a wife more than, um, I want glitter on my face like all the time. This is him:

So, Manti met this woman online named ‘Lennay Kekua,’ which isn’t a real name, so WARNING NUMBER ONE! Apparently, these two started chatting back in 2011 via the #1 most legitimate dating site in the world, Twitter. This is her:

Back in October, it was revealed that Lennay Kekua (which, sounds a lot like how Paula Dean would pronounce “Lenny Kravitz”) died of Leukemia SHORTLY AFTER she was in a car accident. Talk about the worst luck, EVER. In completely unrelated news, MTV is currently making plans for a show called: “True Life: I was in a car accident, and now I have leukemia. It’s the worst.”*

To recap, Manti Te’o dated a woman online name LENNAY K~~RAVITZ~~EKUA, who he has never met face to face, who was in a car accident and then died of leukemia. AS IF that wasn’t bad enough.

Just recently, it was revealed that LENNAY didn’t even EXIST and she was just some really elaborate Catfish-type prank. For those of you who don’t know what “Catfish” is, it’s a movie/MTV show about people who fake their identities on the internet and date other people. Talk about a shitty week. It’s like Hollow Man, only she was a woman (maybe) and was never actually real. Oh, and she didn’t kill people. Oh, and she didn’t permanently scar you like when your own PARENTS took you to see HOLLOW MAN in movie theaters when you were but a SMALL CHILD (Mom…I know you’re reading and I know you remember, and I’ll never forget).

In summary, I actually feel bad for the guy. He dated a woman who had a really rough life, who ended up being not a real person, but some prankster on the internet. Or even she was just made up in his imagination like Joseph Smith. Either way, WHAT a bitch.

Hey Manti, next time, maybe see her tits first.

PS- Thanks to at least 4 people who asked me to write about this, including @caitlinrbrooks!

*No they aren’t.

UPDATE: Um, apparently there is a rumor that he might also be GAY! Holy scandal Batman!! I mean, I guess it makes sense. A star football player at a Catholic college dates a girl on the internet, never sees her or her lady parts, and then tells everyone that she died of car wreck leukemia. “Ugh, all the one woman I tried to date didn’t work out. Guess I better try dick.”

I’m not saying this is true, but I am saying that I really hope it is true because WHAT a story for the (likely adopted Asian) children.

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